Archive for December, 2010

Yule – To the Third Degree!

At this point, you’ve probably wrapped and slapped every paper-pasted box under your pristine pre-lit fir of fakery.  For those of you who haven’t (like Tim, who ran out like a crazy man yesterday for his very grateful and highly amused wife) I have the third installment of Hopeful Foodie’s Countdown to Christmas as well as a mid-week solution to some last-minute-shopping, what-the-hell-are-we-gonna-eat-for-dinner hunger!


baseball bat optional

First of all, who the heck doesn’t like PB&J?  Okay, my husband’s cousin’s teenage son, but even he would fall head over Allfruit for this ingeniously delicious pocket organizer! Just think of all the ooey-gooey sandwiches we shoved in our coat pockets when we were young and too awesome for our Beatlejuice lunch boxes.  Finally, a scrumptious treat that doesn’t make us look like we hid some bully’s bloody entrails in our puffy creme-colored parkas and keeps our pencil pack money safe within it’s peanutty center. Mmmmm, strawberry.

would you like gruel with that?

Tuna Surprise.  Tater Tots.  Creamed Corn.  Adam Sandler had something going when he debuted his Lunch Lady Land skit on SNL in the 90’s.  The fond memories of Ms. Laverne,  with her perfectly even hairnet and large facial mole glistening in the heat of the kitchen as she scooped your gelatinous nutrient-rich meal onto it’s sectioned Styrofoam tray are sure to bubble to the surface of your mind like breath through a straw of chocolate milk. Now, the memories can live forever in the form of this image-appropriate action figure set.  That’ll be $1;50 honey – and use both hands!

He always said he'd be back again.....someday.

If it wasn’t enough knowing that some fat man in velvet knows when you’re sleeping and when you’re awake, now you have to worry about finding the severed body parts of his frozen sidekick  in your gin & tonic.  Cucumber water is one thing, but a carrot nose and coal eyes is quite another.  However, for those friends with slightly dark senses of humor and/or a strange obsessions with men made of snow this may be just the gift – and it’ll keep your favorite beverage frosty cold!

My, what large wineglasses you have!

Every holiday season I think to myself, “if only I could use my breasts to enjoy that hard wassail I like to drink each year.”  Now I can, thanks to this cup-worthy invention, The Wine Rack!  Just when we all thought that sports bras were only for chunky lesbians at amusement parks and embarrassing peakage  in the freezer section of the grocery store this D-handling boulder holder comes around to show us that we can ALSO get drunk in one.  Joy to the world!

If you’ve gotten this far down the page I almost owe you a recipe.  Enjoy our favorite allergy-friendly pizza crust – great for mid-Chrstmas week insanity and good ol’ family dinner fun.

Miraculous Pizza Crust

Yeast and Gluten free!

Yes, finally – after searching far and wide, a pizza crust worthy of being called absolutely awesomely edible and good!  This is a combo of a few recipes that slightly biscuity but also springy, like a traditional crust.  It always ends up as a strangely proportioned square-ish shape, but it’s good eats and holds toppings and sauce really well.  Woo-hoo for pizza again!

2cups gf flour (Bob’s all purpose works really well)

¾ Tsp Xanthan gum

1 ½ Tsp baking powder

½ – 1 Tsp salt (use only ½ Tsp if you want to add garlic powder or onion powder due to it’s already salty flavor)

Oregano, basil, rosemary, etc for sprinkling in dough

1/4cup shortening (butter, coconut oil, etc)

3/4cup milk

Whisk together the flour, xanthan gum, baking powder and salt in a medium-lg bowl, along with the spices and herbs. Cut in shortening, making sure it’s slightly soft, with the sides of a spoon or a pastry blending tool.  Add the milk. If the mixture is too dry, add more milk, a TBS at a time. Stir till all together till it starts to stick into a ball shape. Lightly flour your hands and a counter, and kneading a few times, spread the dough out with your hands.  You might have to roll it out a bit with a rolling pin, as well, to get your desired shape.

Place on a lightly oiled sheet or a pizza stone, spreading the top of the crust with oil.  Now you are ready for toppings!  This pizza crust yields endless possibilities, so have fun with it!

The 12 days to Christmas are almost over so enjoy the rest of the week and check back Christmas night for the last post in this food-a-licious series!

Tinsle & Tastiness,


The Hopeful Foodie

Thanks to Baronbob.com for today’s quirky gift ideas.

PS: please accept my apology for the lack of a conclusion to this series on Christmas night, as Tim and I are both under the weather (with the flu and an upper respiratory infection, respectively).  When we’re both feeling more alive, and after many dozes of concentrated chicken stock, I’m sure,  I’ll most definitely conclude this festive series. Thank you and Merry Christmas!


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Christmas Countdown, Part Deux!

Continuing our countdown to Christmas are four more creative, deranged and disturbing gifts for your favorite foodie!  Check back every four days for more crazy ideas to help you spread the cheer and perhaps, the holiday cheeseball on your favorite pack of water crackers.

Not just for your dirty mouth

For all of  the fidgety artsy-types  in your life – finally a set of napkins that are made to write upon!  You know who you are – sitting in a diner booth, doodling upon your hand-wiping device between munches of club sandwich.  We know who you are, too, and we refuse to continue to let you soil our napkins with your hippie song lyrics and cute little hearts icons any longer! Now you can grab your bio-degradable notebooks and go, dirty beatniks!

oy vey!

And now a special section for those of you who missed the Hannukah boat this year, and wish to make up all eight days of Jewish guilt with belated giftery.  Why not start with this charming apron!  No one can say no to Matzo ball soup, especially when the cook is wearing the Matzo!  Aunt Ro will be squeezing your cheeks with delight before you can say, “Well aren’t you a sweet little bubele!

salmon flavor, anyone?

Maybe you have a very earthy friend who prefers Kabbalah to Menorah?  Don’t fret – for there is magic in every sip of these Judaic bags! Between bites of lox and falafel, it is sure to be a mystical lunch hour for all of your red-band wearing buddies.


Wrapping up today’s post is just what the fat man made of dough ordered: a shiny, puckered mouth that smells and tastes like cookies!  What gluten and yeast intolerant friend wouldn’t appreciate the constant reminder of what they so crave but cannot dare have this Christmas….on their lips!

I hope you enjoyed the second installment of this year’s Twelve Days to Christmas Countdown.  See you in another four days for even more gift-giving delights!

Yule and Smule,


The Hopeful Foodie

Thanks to Stupid.com for these head-shaking gift ideas.

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Countdown to Christmas!

To celebrate the grand ol’ holiday of much edible noshing and egg nog sloshing, I present to you:

The Twelve Days to Christmas Countdown!

(not to be confused with the Twelve Days OF Christmas, which has less to do with ham and more with gold, frankincense and myrrh)

To start off this post, I’ll give you four wonderful gift ideas that are inspired by our society’s love for everything and anything digestible.  Every four days I’ll add four more gift ideas til that fateful day comes to sweep us away into peppermint-flavored Yule-tide Heaven!

I hope you enjoy these cute, bizarre and somewhat deranged delights from the far reaches of the interwebz.  Jesus may be the reason for the season, but he celebrates it with mucho eatin’!

snuggly soft

First of all, who wouldn’t like to cuddle up with a nice slab of cured pork?  It isn’t just bacon – it’s My First Bacon, the delight of any foodie under the age of ten.  Your child, upon receiving this delightful plush, will forever shun broccoli for the salty goodness of BACON!

When rice stuffing just doesn't cut it anymore

Who doesn’t want to wear poultry on their head?  I know I do!  Every year before we stuff the turkey, we make sure the tradition of sticking our craniums into its ample cavity is once again fulfilled.  For those of you who can’t stomach being in an actual turkey’s well, stomach – this hat is your dream come true!  Gobble, gobble!


Mmmm, bugs.  They’re not just for third world countries anymore!  Now you can treat your friends and loved ones to these delectable treats – just in time for Christmas!  After receiving a fresh box of deep fried basement chirpers, you will definitely not get back that Reindeer Poop you gifted last year.  Not. At. All.

Not just for serial killers anymore

Last but not least, to get you through the next four days til Christmas is a little bit of divine intervention – slaughterhouse style!  Even butchers need a little love and guidance, and after the last ham hock of the year is lovingly wrapped and packed, instead of a tip, give the gift of holiness to your favorite cleaver of sinewy goodness!  It’s sure to get you those inch- thick chops you’ve had your eye on all year.

That concludes today’s post! Check back in a few days for more food-inspired stocking-stuffers, tree grazers, and tissue-papered delights.

Yours in holiday madness,


The Hopeful (and Jolly) Foodie

Thanks to thinkgeek & stupid.com for the gift-giving inspiration.

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Ain’t We Lucky We Got ‘Em

Scratchin' and Survivin'

The hot wings are in the oven and I’m sitting here thinking about life.  How many time do you hear that sentence?

Food makes me think about existence . Maybe it’s because in order to survive,  consumption is essential, but I think it’s more than that.  For one, it’s December (excuse me as I stop myself from saying the word, ‘damn’ before that last word) and December , to me, means Christmas.  Most of my exsistence has revolved around food, one way or another, and the holidays are no exception.  I found myself crying hysterically the day before Thanksgiving because a certain in-law told me I couldn’t share my father’s side of the family pasta dish tradition at the table.  I remember one particular Christmas where I busied myself into such a frenzy that the paramedics had to be called just to make sure it was Yule-tinged anxiety and not massive heart failure.

We all have our share of insane holiday madness that we tell as tales of old over and over, mostly to convince the generations to come that our parents were indeed, crazy, too.  Sitting here today, as I often do, in my little cove of blogginess,  the best memories come to mind.  The longer I journey into this life, the more and more I start to remember the good times – the really, really good times, and not just the dysfunctional ones that involved certain family members, drunken comas and a very unlucky Christmas tree (sorry, mom – it was gonna get out sooner or later).

I think of this day – December 6th,  St. Nicholas day – and  a  homemade stocking full of so much fruit and nuts that I practically had to fling the thing across the room to get  the oversized spheres of oranges and grapefruits from sock to plate comes to mind. I remember the looks on my parent’s faces as they told me about a man so generous and kind that he went from house to house giving all he had to make others happy.  I remember trying to crack my Brazil nuts open and denting the dining room table instead.  I remember the little glimpses of love and hope that we all had for eachother, even though times were hard and the burden lay heavily on my parents whether or not this bulging stocking would be the only gift they’d be able to give their child that year.

This year I proclaimed loudly to whoever would hear that  I would remember St. Nicholas day!  Wheels are starting to turn inside of me, and I want to carry on the tradition to our own future children, even though Mom and Dad are now long gone. Wherever there is a bag of Brazil nuts, a package of clementines, an oversized grapefruit – on December 6th, that’s where my heart will be.

To you and yours on this beautiful late Autumn day,


The Hopeful Foodie

PS: for more on St. Nicholas Day and other Nick-themed celebrations, click here!


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